What hurts the most.

i tried to stop/suppress it. i really did.
but the memory of you keeps surfacing from time to time.



Rascall Flatts - What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that loving you)
That’s what I was trying to do

---

Tiny blow.

why do i bother?

bothering makes me vulnerable.
and i hate this vulnerability.
i cant seem to protect myself from it.

yet i find myself trying to extract snippets of hope from you.
anw, what was just in that text msg just gave me a jab of disappointment.
tinytinytinyone.

still, amusing that however tinytinytiny it is, i'm still affected.
the non-vulnerable me would have gone, raah. too bad, doesnt matter anw.
i'll still say that.
its just that now, i dont mean what i say. it matters. this feeling sucks. ):

"Love like you've never loved before.
Love like you've never been hurt before.
If you're afraid to get hurt, don't fall in love."
(inspired by My Lovely Samsoon)

saw it somwhere i cant remember.
but in any case, it seems pretty true.

i'm not in love.
dont get me wrong.
i'm not sure what it is.

what i do know is this -
being disappointed by you is something i dont exactly like.
it kinda upsets me abit more than usual.

i wish what you did/said could have been erased.
maybe i also wish, i could be less sensitive, less assuming, past caring.

You (all) complete me.

feeling this swirl of emotions again.
i cant quite pinpoint.
but what i do know is this feeling of 舍不得. (in case clare cant view it, its "she bu de" :))

last night's session really got imprinted in my memory.
no doubt, not all of us were around.
but still, that history of friendship and bond of love, was undeniable.

it feels good to recount and laugh&cry at our past blunders&sorrows.
it feels good to be able to meet and not have to worry about what we will do.
it feels good to pour my heart out to these girls, because no matter what is shared, approved or taboo, no one gets judged.

zhi's right, the things we do and feel for one another, summed up in four words - 心甘情愿 (again clare, its xin gan qing yuan :))

some of us grew up faster than the rest, but i'm glad it did not stop us from being what we are to one another.
having come so far these years, i feel so blessed to have these angels in my life.
you know, everytime i tell people about twelve, my heart really swells with pride.
because i know that there are alot of people out there who aren't as privileged (as i am) to have such a 2nd family. (:

my bitches, my reprieve.
and because i'd never be complete without you girls. (:

Of boredom and nothingness.

tcc @hotel inter-continental is a pretty conducive and comfy place to mug. (:

raaah.
clare's left. so i'm sitting outside the bugisjunction macs. -.-
5 days to the first paper.
damndamnDAMN.

i wish i was in "the matrix".
then i could just load all the mugging info into my brain a la trinity (when she needed to fly a helicopter).
-.-

stress makes me want to eat not.
and shop.
i so want that Miss Sixty ring!!! ):

---

what am i to think?
actually, there probably isnt much to think of huh?
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to begin with.
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to think.
maybe all along, i was wrong.


Secondhand Serenade - Maybe

Didn't you want to hear
The sound of all the places we could go
Do you fear
The expressions on the faces we don't know
It's a cold hard road when you wake up
And I don't think that I
Have the strength to let you go

Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

There goes my ring
It might as well have been shattered
And I'm here to sing
About the things that mattered
About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long
About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong

Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

And someday, I promise I'll be gone
And someday, I might even sing this song
To you, I might even sing this song, to you
And I was crying alone tonight
And I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So Just come back I'll make it
Better than it ever was
Better than it ever was

Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
(I want it all, Don't leave right now)
(I'll give you everything)