i tried to stop/suppress it. i really did.
but the memory of you keeps surfacing from time to time.
Rascall Flatts - What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
(Not seeing that loving you)
That’s what I was trying to do
---
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Paradox.
(first, do note that whatever else that's going to be in this post may have NO relevance to the title. :))
aiiight.
after publishing this post, i shall strive to glue my eyes to mike leu's pdf slides.
-resolute expression-
dammit i want this bag so baaadd. ):
wish i was working like now.
seriously, stress/exams is a catalyst for shopping. i'm not kidding.
it just makes you want to do anything else other than face the books.
which, if its something retailers capitalize on, they'd be raking in the monies. hoho.
stress people! pressure them! then they'll shop more! haahhaha. -.-
JUST LOOK AT THIS SHOE! DAMN HOT LAH CANNNN?!
):
why do i have no monies? whywhywhy?
i have no monies YET. so i can't buy. -sobs-
anywayyy.
am feeling cramp-y now. ):
sighh. so many other things i want to do other than study.
well, then again, doesn't everyone have other things they wanna do. snorts.
i just wish this coming week will be over soon.
then i'd probably be one of the happier people in the world.
notice i didn't say happiest. that's cos i could be happier than happier.
if you get what i mean. -wry smile-
the epitome of the feminine blend.
a paradox of fearlessness and fragility.
that's what i'd wanna be. (:
---
don't think, don't think, cannot think.
to me, it has to be a "bonus" thing.
sighh.
you make me so tired. ):
aiiight.
after publishing this post, i shall strive to glue my eyes to mike leu's pdf slides.
-resolute expression-
dammit i want this bag so baaadd. ):
wish i was working like now.
seriously, stress/exams is a catalyst for shopping. i'm not kidding.
it just makes you want to do anything else other than face the books.
which, if its something retailers capitalize on, they'd be raking in the monies. hoho.
stress people! pressure them! then they'll shop more! haahhaha. -.-
JUST LOOK AT THIS SHOE! DAMN HOT LAH CANNNN?!
):
i have no monies YET. so i can't buy. -sobs-
anywayyy.
am feeling cramp-y now. ):
sighh. so many other things i want to do other than study.
well, then again, doesn't everyone have other things they wanna do. snorts.
i just wish this coming week will be over soon.
then i'd probably be one of the happier people in the world.
notice i didn't say happiest. that's cos i could be happier than happier.
if you get what i mean. -wry smile-
the epitome of the feminine blend.
a paradox of fearlessness and fragility.
that's what i'd wanna be. (:
---
don't think, don't think, cannot think.
to me, it has to be a "bonus" thing.
sighh.
you make me so tired. ):
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Red bull.
208 started out okay.
till i reached the next page.
urghhh. ended horribly.
am so irritated/frustrated with myself.
and its not that i dont know my facts.
they just got into this whole mish-mash of thoughts i couldnt untangle and write them out in time.
couldnt recall the tiny graph details. =/
and i got somewhat of a surprise cos there were some calculative questions.
was all along led to believe that the paper would be entirely essay-based.wtf.
downed a can of red bull on the way to school.
halfway into the paper, not only did red bull not give me wings, it gave me a bloody migraine.
to top it off, the air temperature around seemed the equivalent of the north pole.
and i wasnt acclimatized and hence ended up shivering (i'm not exaggerating!) and messing up my penmanship. -.-
and just earlier, i learnt that red bull shouldnt be taken on an empty stomach.
which was just what i did in the morning.
how wonderful.
damnnn.
i think i really need a dose of that panadol extra.
till i reached the next page.
urghhh. ended horribly.
am so irritated/frustrated with myself.
and its not that i dont know my facts.
they just got into this whole mish-mash of thoughts i couldnt untangle and write them out in time.
couldnt recall the tiny graph details. =/
and i got somewhat of a surprise cos there were some calculative questions.
was all along led to believe that the paper would be entirely essay-based.
downed a can of red bull on the way to school.
halfway into the paper, not only did red bull not give me wings, it gave me a bloody migraine.
to top it off, the air temperature around seemed the equivalent of the north pole.
and i wasnt acclimatized and hence ended up shivering (i'm not exaggerating!) and messing up my penmanship. -.-
and just earlier, i learnt that red bull shouldnt be taken on an empty stomach.
which was just what i did in the morning.
how wonderful.
damnnn.
i think i really need a dose of that panadol extra.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Find that guy.
find a guy,
who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep,
who kisses your forehead and buries his face into your hair,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you,
who turns to his friends proudly and says, "...that's my girlfriend."
who wants to save money but will splurge on taking cab to send you home and then he rushes to catch the last bus to go home,
who gets very worried that something happened to you when you forgot to message him that you are home,
who lets you eat the nice food that you like first then finishes the rest after you had your fill..
---
oh yes, i wish i could.
-sighs-
oh crap.
this is a moment of weakness. ):
who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep,
who kisses your forehead and buries his face into your hair,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you,
who turns to his friends proudly and says, "...that's my girlfriend."
who wants to save money but will splurge on taking cab to send you home and then he rushes to catch the last bus to go home,
who gets very worried that something happened to you when you forgot to message him that you are home,
who lets you eat the nice food that you like first then finishes the rest after you had your fill..
---
oh yes, i wish i could.
-sighs-
oh crap.
this is a moment of weakness. ):
Tiny blow.
why do i bother?
bothering makes me vulnerable.
and i hate this vulnerability.
i cant seem to protect myself from it.
yet i find myself trying to extract snippets of hope from you.
anw, what was just in that text msg just gave me a jab of disappointment.
tinytinytinyone.
still, amusing that however tinytinytiny it is, i'm still affected.
the non-vulnerable me would have gone, raah. too bad, doesnt matter anw.
i'll still say that.
its just that now, i dont mean what i say. it matters. this feeling sucks. ):
"Love like you've never loved before.
Love like you've never been hurt before.
If you're afraid to get hurt, don't fall in love."
(inspired by My Lovely Samsoon)
saw it somwhere i cant remember.
but in any case, it seems pretty true.
i'm not in love.
dont get me wrong.
i'm not sure what it is.
what i do know is this -
being disappointed by you is something i dont exactly like.
it kinda upsets me abit more than usual.
i wish what you did/said could have been erased.
maybe i also wish, i could be less sensitive, less assuming, past caring.
bothering makes me vulnerable.
and i hate this vulnerability.
i cant seem to protect myself from it.
yet i find myself trying to extract snippets of hope from you.
anw, what was just in that text msg just gave me a jab of disappointment.
tinytinytinyone.
still, amusing that however tinytinytiny it is, i'm still affected.
the non-vulnerable me would have gone, raah. too bad, doesnt matter anw.
i'll still say that.
its just that now, i dont mean what i say. it matters. this feeling sucks. ):
"Love like you've never loved before.
Love like you've never been hurt before.
If you're afraid to get hurt, don't fall in love."
(inspired by My Lovely Samsoon)
saw it somwhere i cant remember.
but in any case, it seems pretty true.
i'm not in love.
dont get me wrong.
i'm not sure what it is.
what i do know is this -
being disappointed by you is something i dont exactly like.
it kinda upsets me abit more than usual.
i wish what you did/said could have been erased.
maybe i also wish, i could be less sensitive, less assuming, past caring.
Waiting.
***stoning away so pardon me for poopy incoherent sentences. (:
---
down with one.
three more to go.
yay.
201 wasn't as bad as i'd feared.
or so i think?
at least i wasn't clueless.
still, the worst is yet to come.
208's next.
at least the weightage for the exam isonly 50%.
but there're pros and cons, as does all things that seem favourable.
9 days to freedom.
i'm waiting.
---
i know i made the resolution to harden my heart.
to be indifferent.
somehow, its not as easy as it was made to sound.
little bits of hope, expectations.
expectations that shouldn't even be entertained. the higher/more the expectations, the harder the blow.
but once in a while, there seems to be specks of hope.
like a trail of bread crumbs.
like little strings of candy.
and i stop to look.
and wait.
---
down with one.
three more to go.
yay.
201 wasn't as bad as i'd feared.
or so i think?
at least i wasn't clueless.
still, the worst is yet to come.
208's next.
at least the weightage for the exam is
but there're pros and cons, as does all things that seem favourable.
9 days to freedom.
i'm waiting.
---
i know i made the resolution to harden my heart.
to be indifferent.
somehow, its not as easy as it was made to sound.
little bits of hope, expectations.
expectations that shouldn't even be entertained. the higher/more the expectations, the harder the blow.
but once in a while, there seems to be specks of hope.
like a trail of bread crumbs.
like little strings of candy.
and i stop to look.
and wait.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
2:57AM
the time has come for me to put down my pen and books and go to rest.
later in the day, i'll face the first of 4 nerve-wrecking papers to come.
Lord, i pray for wisdom and strength to pull through.
Indeed, i CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can, i will, i shall.
and i am going to scoot now.
---
i guess its time i hardened my heart too.
learn to be more indifferent.
cos at the rate i'm going, i think i mght end up running into a ditch.
later in the day, i'll face the first of 4 nerve-wrecking papers to come.
Lord, i pray for wisdom and strength to pull through.
Indeed, i CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
i can, i will, i shall.
and i am going to scoot now.
---
i guess its time i hardened my heart too.
learn to be more indifferent.
cos at the rate i'm going, i think i mght end up running into a ditch.
Monday, April 16, 2007
You (all) complete me.
feeling this swirl of emotions again.
i cant quite pinpoint.
but what i do know is this feeling of 舍不得. (in case clare cant view it, its "she bu de" :))
last night's session really got imprinted in my memory.
no doubt, not all of us were around.
but still, that history of friendship and bond of love, was undeniable.
it feels good to recount and laugh&cry at our past blunders&sorrows.
it feels good to be able to meet and not have to worry about what we will do.
it feels good to pour my heart out to these girls, because no matter what is shared, approved or taboo, no one gets judged.
zhi's right, the things we do and feel for one another, summed up in four words - 心甘情愿 (again clare, its xin gan qing yuan :))
some of us grew up faster than the rest, but i'm glad it did not stop us from being what we are to one another.
having come so far these years, i feel so blessed to have these angels in my life.
you know, everytime i tell people about twelve, my heart really swells with pride.
because i know that there are alot of people out there who aren't as privileged (as i am) to have such a 2nd family. (:
my bitches, my reprieve.
and because i'd never be complete without you girls. (:
i cant quite pinpoint.
but what i do know is this feeling of 舍不得. (in case clare cant view it, its "she bu de" :))
last night's session really got imprinted in my memory.
no doubt, not all of us were around.
but still, that history of friendship and bond of love, was undeniable.
it feels good to recount and laugh&cry at our past blunders&sorrows.
it feels good to be able to meet and not have to worry about what we will do.
it feels good to pour my heart out to these girls, because no matter what is shared, approved or taboo, no one gets judged.
zhi's right, the things we do and feel for one another, summed up in four words - 心甘情愿 (again clare, its xin gan qing yuan :))
some of us grew up faster than the rest, but i'm glad it did not stop us from being what we are to one another.
having come so far these years, i feel so blessed to have these angels in my life.
you know, everytime i tell people about twelve, my heart really swells with pride.
because i know that there are alot of people out there who aren't as privileged (as i am) to have such a 2nd family. (:
my bitches, my reprieve.
and because i'd never be complete without you girls. (:
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Reprieve.
the most wonderful thing(s) that could happen to me when i stepped into crescent.
the relationship(s) that changed my life.
most dont and cant understand how i can put them above (almost) any other relationship in my life.
the ones who laugh and cry with me.
the ones who have taught me and in the process have grown with me.
the ones who have seen my flaws, and yet not shun me.
the ones who are not afraid to lose me in order to keep me.
the ones who really are my reprieve.
Same ol'shit.
seriously, how many times do i have to go through this?
for goodness' sake, i'm already twenty-one this year.
why cant you see?
am i supposed to stick by you every single living breathing monent?
why can i have that freedom i've yearned so much to have ever since i can remember?
every single time without fail, you harp on it.
putting me through this shit.its damn fucking anal.
why the fucking hell do you always have to give this shit and start to put me on some fucking "guilt trip"?
fuck, i dont even have anything to be guilty about.
fine i'm not your perfect daughter.
but at least give me the credit that i tried to come close.
and i'm still trying.
if that's still not enough for you, then just fuck it.
there will come a time where i dont fucking care anymore.
for goodness' sake, i'm already twenty-one this year.
why cant you see?
am i supposed to stick by you every single living breathing monent?
why can i have that freedom i've yearned so much to have ever since i can remember?
every single time without fail, you harp on it.
putting me through this shit.
why the fucking hell do you always have to give this shit and start to put me on some fucking "guilt trip"?
fuck, i dont even have anything to be guilty about.
fine i'm not your perfect daughter.
but at least give me the credit that i tried to come close.
and i'm still trying.
if that's still not enough for you, then just fuck it.
there will come a time where i dont fucking care anymore.
Friday, April 13, 2007
The ENHANCE-CLARA'S-BOOBS FUND
clare* ]] *9mil says:
dawn
clare* ]] *9mil says:
I WANT BREAST SURGERY
clare* ]] *9mil says:
blaahhhh
dwnn* 4
ok mm i try to help u raise funds
clare* ]] *9mil says: (2:35:25 PM)
hahaha yaayy!
hence, in light of this conversation, my dear readers (yes you.)
kindly please donate to the ENHANCE-CLARA'S-BOOBS FUND! =D
i estimate we'll probably be able to hit that target of $10K in about 10 years' time.
in the mean, please slog hard to help our dear clare.
p.s.// i propose we rope Jono into the fund and split the cost 99-1. (: (okay lah, 98-2 also can! :))
dawn
clare* ]] *9mil says:
I WANT BREAST SURGERY
clare* ]] *9mil says:
blaahhhh
dwnn* 4
ok mm i try to help u raise funds
clare* ]] *9mil says: (2:35:25 PM)
hahaha yaayy!
hence, in light of this conversation, my dear readers (yes you.)
kindly please donate to the ENHANCE-CLARA'S-BOOBS FUND! =D
i estimate we'll probably be able to hit that target of $10K in about 10 years' time.
in the mean, please slog hard to help our dear clare.
p.s.// i propose we rope Jono into the fund and split the cost 99-1. (: (okay lah, 98-2 also can! :))
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Of boredom and nothingness.
tcc @hotel inter-continental is a pretty conducive and comfy place to mug. (:
raaah.
clare's left. so i'm sitting outside the bugisjunction macs. -.-
5 days to the first paper.
damndamnDAMN.
i wish i was in "the matrix".
then i could just load all the mugging info into my brain a la trinity (when she needed to fly a helicopter).
-.-
stress makes me want to eatnot.
and shop.
i so want that Miss Sixty ring!!! ):
---
what am i to think?
actually, there probably isnt much to think of huh?
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to begin with.
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to think.
maybe all along, i was wrong.
Secondhand Serenade - Maybe
Didn't you want to hear
The sound of all the places we could go
Do you fear
The expressions on the faces we don't know
It's a cold hard road when you wake up
And I don't think that I
Have the strength to let you go
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
There goes my ring
It might as well have been shattered
And I'm here to sing
About the things that mattered
About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long
About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
And someday, I promise I'll be gone
And someday, I might even sing this song
To you, I might even sing this song, to you
And I was crying alone tonight
And I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So Just come back I'll make it
Better than it ever was
Better than it ever was
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
(I want it all, Don't leave right now)
(I'll give you everything)
raaah.
clare's left. so i'm sitting outside the bugisjunction macs. -.-
5 days to the first paper.
damndamnDAMN.
i wish i was in "the matrix".
then i could just load all the mugging info into my brain a la trinity (when she needed to fly a helicopter).
-.-
stress makes me want to eat
and shop.
i so want that Miss Sixty ring!!! ):
---
what am i to think?
actually, there probably isnt much to think of huh?
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to begin with.
maybe all along, there wasnt anything to think.
maybe all along, i was wrong.
Secondhand Serenade - Maybe
Didn't you want to hear
The sound of all the places we could go
Do you fear
The expressions on the faces we don't know
It's a cold hard road when you wake up
And I don't think that I
Have the strength to let you go
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
There goes my ring
It might as well have been shattered
And I'm here to sing
About the things that mattered
About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long
About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
And someday, I promise I'll be gone
And someday, I might even sing this song
To you, I might even sing this song, to you
And I was crying alone tonight
And I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So Just come back I'll make it
Better than it ever was
Better than it ever was
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
Maybe it's just me,
Couldn't you believe
That everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
Makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
(I want it all, Don't leave right now)
(I'll give you everything)
Sunday, April 8, 2007
new one again. (:
mmmm.
impromptu decision to shift.
hadnt actually planned to do so till exams end.
BUT.
i've moved to this anyway. (:
UPDATE LINKS OKAY? =D
impromptu decision to shift.
hadnt actually planned to do so till exams end.
BUT.
i've moved to this anyway. (:
UPDATE LINKS OKAY? =D
MSN convo.
question and answer.
-lx- poster whore. says:
he calls you doesnt he
dwn* maybe. says:
yeah so?
-lx- poster whore. says:
well due to technological advances, msn's now the common 'chat up' for friends
lol.
and a while later...
-lx- poster whore. says:
he calls u for nothing to talk bout nothing in particular rite?
-lx- poster whore. says:
my real close gal pals will call me to 1. bitch 2. say they broke up
dwn* maybe. says:
hah erm ok
dwn* maybe. says:
your point being?
-lx- poster whore. says:
my point is that if i were to call u and say that i dunno what i had in mind to say
u will have this exact reaction.
LOL!
super amusing talking to my kor.
made me laugh till my tummy ached.
(:
-lx- poster whore. says:
he calls you doesnt he
dwn* maybe. says:
yeah so?
-lx- poster whore. says:
well due to technological advances, msn's now the common 'chat up' for friends
lol.
and a while later...
-lx- poster whore. says:
he calls u for nothing to talk bout nothing in particular rite?
-lx- poster whore. says:
my real close gal pals will call me to 1. bitch 2. say they broke up
dwn* maybe. says:
hah erm ok
dwn* maybe. says:
your point being?
-lx- poster whore. says:
my point is that if i were to call u and say that i dunno what i had in mind to say
u will have this exact reaction.
LOL!
super amusing talking to my kor.
made me laugh till my tummy ached.
(:
Awake
on repeat.
Secondhand Serenade - Awake
With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.
And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,
That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
---
beautiful lyrics no? (:
Secondhand Serenade - Awake
With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.
And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,
That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
---
beautiful lyrics no? (:
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